The 'Ex-Factor'

"if only i knew then what i know now..."

ok. ok. ok. so the 'ex-factor' & i have been spending quite some time together. & i'm really enjoying it.

i've known him now for approxiamately 8 yrs. & counting. we've always kept a good relationship...'cause we were friends first (which is a very important thing in any relationship). but life deals us a hand that we must play & we eventually parted ways. unfortunately.

he was basically my first 'love' (if u can even call it that)...we were young & dumb. mistakes were made. hearts were broken. wounds healed.

& here we are today. two adults now. we've watched each other grow. he was there for me through my darkest hour. & now i'm here to watch him experience his brightest moment. but through all we've been through, isn't it still a reason he's my ex? no matter how bright our future looks, wasnt there a dark point in our past? should our past even matter? should we even bother with the future?

there are plenty of concerns that i have. b/c through years of seperation we've made bonds with other people, & that tends to hold some issues. ex-girlfriends, babymomma/babydaddy drama, kids. all the baggage u sorta hope ur future husband/wife doesnt carry with them is sorta what makes us up.

& after years of drama with other people. -i'm done with it. so i tend to run when i catch a glimpse of it.
no hard feelings, but i'll leave him behind if need be. b/c if we're gonna do it. he'll have to understand a few things about me:

time has changed me.

relationships have altered the once flawless soul he fell in love with. i've been through it all. life has had its way with me. & although i'm grateful to be here, im still a shattered soul. & time has done that to me. & sadly, time is the only way to heal.

so i'm a bit bitter. & a hell of a lot angry. & i hate that about me. that i've become such a BITCH. but momma told me that i was one & that she was one too. & that when she dies i'll become the queen of bitches. & at 12 years of age, i had no idea what my momma was talking about. it took me years to figure her words out. & it wasn't until recently i realized what momma meant: [i'm such a bitch because life is one.] its so unfair. people come in & out of your life. & its the people that u want to stay the most that leave the fastest. & everytime they leave, they take a bit of my soul with them. & do u ever get that back? as of now im unsure.

all i know is that once upon a time, i fell in love with a boy who made boyish decisions that turned into boyish mistakes, which left me heartbroken. but that boy became a man, who looks me in my eyes & reminds me im beautiful. & when the world has made your soul as ugly as mine, you need to hear that every now & then.

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."

Shy G.