Snooping

“The worst thing about being hurt & trying to love again is falling in love & anticipating on being hurt again.” –Shy G.

And of course I’m left stuck. Here it is, 1 a.m. & I’m up. Because my heart refuses to let go, & I’m having difficulties with my trust issues. So I’m up snooping. Trying my best to find an excuse to be mad, cause I’m tired of asking myself over & over again, ‘LaShydra, why are you so upset?’ & not having a damn answer for my own thoughts. Yet, my woman intuition has never let me down before, only I have let me down, by not going with my gut. But I shouldn’t base new relationships off of past ones, but when you’ve been hurt like I’ve been hurt then your heart tells you that you have no choice. Because if you can’t learn from your past mistakes then what have you learned from your past? Only to repeat it if you’re not careful enough. & I’ve been careless time & time again.

So I’m left here. Not wanting to get hurt again. But am I possibly only hurting myself? Because I didn’t imagine love to be so non-communicative. So nonchalant. I didn’t know love didn’t come with titles. Nor did I expect love to bring exes along for the ride. I never expected love to still linger in the past, not presenting a clear future. Yet, this is the only definition of love that I have acquired.

I don’t understand how a person can look you in your eyes & promise forever, yet they are unsure of your tomorrow together. It baffles me that grown ass people still play Russian roulette with others’ feelings. Do they not know that a heart is not a toy? That it cannot be fixed again once broken? That the wounded must find a way to cope?

But what do I know? “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

-Shy G.

Today's Her Birthday...

i wrote this blog on 9/28/2006...been 3 years since that day...i wrote this for her...my mother...enjoy...

ok...so here's 2day...september 28th...my mother's birthday...this is the 7th one that's she's missed...she stop having birthdays after november 21st... i really didn't realize what 2day was until my sister called and reminded me...i'm kinda upset she did...
because i HATE days like these...days when i have 2 try and pull out memories of her...and each year it gets harder b/c it's harder to remember her...thank God for pictures...b/c they can not only tell 1000 words....they reveal 1000 memories...but i really can't remember...she seems so vague...so i'm sad...
because a few years from now i might not remember anything about her...i might forget her birthday for good...
i've learned how 2 pray...i guess...she would like that as a gift...i know she would...each year on her birthday since her death...i've still been trying 2 give her a gift...this year it's prayer...i'm way stronger than i was yesterday...she's made me that way...her death has...my father's has made me weaker...i miss her so much
i can't stop thinkin' about her now...i still remember some things...her smile...her hair....smell....i can't remember her kisses or hugs though...i sorta remember her voice...
i'm not crying...and i don't know why...i just can't cry...i can't force a tear out for Momma....but i can force a smile...i have her smile...that's why i'll never forget it...
people tell me to stay strong...people who still have their mother...people who of course can't empathize with me...i'm ok 2day...but 2morrow...i might break down...b/c 2morrow will remind me of today and 2morrow my memory might serve me a little better...and a certain memory of me and her will come to me so clear...and it'll feel just like yesterday...and i'll cry my heart out...b/c i know that i'll never see a yesterday again...and she'll never be in a 2morrow of mine...and as of 2day...i'll be heartbroken...
so i'll always miss her...and i'll always wish her a happy birthday...b/c she's still growing up in my heart...she's still living in me...i will always remember her character...b/c i act just like her...b/c i came from her...and we'll always be bonded...even through death...
damn...i miss that woman...some might say it's hard to love some1 that's not here...but i love her and more each day...as the memory fades my love grows...so one day i might forget her...but our love for each other will bring us back 2gether...some type of way...
we'll always be 2gether...
so...HaPPy BirthDay Momma...I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!

Judge Wisely...

You can never tell what someone has been through just by looking at them…so please people, judge wisely…

When you first saw me, did I look like I found my mother’s cold body when I was only 12? Do I really look like my father was murdered?

Do I come across as a bitch? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Does it look like I’ve been sexually assaulted? Had an abortion or a miscarriage?

Do I come across as a whore? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Does it look like I cry everynight? Do I look suicidal?

Do I come across as weak? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Does it really look like I’ve been in an abusive relationship? Can you tell just by looking at me that I can make up a lie to a doctor in less than one second?

Do I come across as a punching bag? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Does it look like I lied to the police for him? Could you tell by looking at me that I’ve been to jail?

Do I come across as a criminal? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Can u really look into someone’s eyes and know they’re life story? Would you even want to know? Could you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes? Better yet, run two in mine?

Do I come across as a survivor? & if so, do I have a reason to?

-Shy G.

The Day After Labor Day, She Goes Into Labor...

I’ve caught feelings before…too fast…too soon…this feeling is so déjà vu…I’m reliving the past…but its worst this time…’cause his ex-girlfriend is now in labor with ‘their’ first child…& how could I even be mad? i didn’t even go through with our first attempt…yet I had another man’s child…another man who never even loved me…another man who will never measure up to the man he is…

but I’m upset…I’m upset because she’s still in love with him…& no matter how much he re-assures me that there is nothing going on between the two them anymore…I know that she’ll always be apart of his life…& I’m the jealous type…so of course I assume that no matter what, she’ll throw ‘their’ child in his face…& in the long run, the only right thing to do is choose his family over me…because little does he know…females have a tendency to be devious…& if we want something we’ll do what we have to do to get what we want…so she’ll possibly stop at nothing…

at least that’s what I think…

& I know that he has some doubts…& if I want him to trust my decisions, then I must trust his…yet he’s hurt me plenty of times before…& unfortunately I lack the will to forgive & forget…so I hold on to a lot…& I know that’s not a good thing...i understand that my stubbornness is slowly killing me…but that’s something that I have to live with…& I want so bad to live with him…for the rest of my life…I want a family with him…I want too much…I need too much…& I don’t know how much he’s worth this fight…but I want to stick it out & at least find out…find out if he’s worth these tears…if he’s worth this heartache…because I’m pretty sure im in love with him…& im praying that his words arent in vain when he tells me he’s never stopped loving me…but of course, only time will tell…yet time is of the essence for me…

so I’ll give it a couple of weeks…& I’ll see if he runs back to her…or if he’s planted himself with me…I’m hoping for the latter…cuz if so, im willing to give up everything else that could possibly hold us back in any type of way…-sigh-…

when i got his text...this video clip came to my mind...

enjoy...




*UPDATE*
Jadon was welcomed into this world on 9/9/09 (what a cool bday?!?!) at 4:24pm weighing approx. 6lbs13oz., 20 inches long, head full of hair...lookn just like his daddy!
i'm happy for him! he got his son...now hopefully its nothing but smooth sailing from here on out...
-Shy G.

The 'Ex-Factor'

"if only i knew then what i know now..."

ok. ok. ok. so the 'ex-factor' & i have been spending quite some time together. & i'm really enjoying it.

i've known him now for approxiamately 8 yrs. & counting. we've always kept a good relationship...'cause we were friends first (which is a very important thing in any relationship). but life deals us a hand that we must play & we eventually parted ways. unfortunately.

he was basically my first 'love' (if u can even call it that)...we were young & dumb. mistakes were made. hearts were broken. wounds healed.

& here we are today. two adults now. we've watched each other grow. he was there for me through my darkest hour. & now i'm here to watch him experience his brightest moment. but through all we've been through, isn't it still a reason he's my ex? no matter how bright our future looks, wasnt there a dark point in our past? should our past even matter? should we even bother with the future?

there are plenty of concerns that i have. b/c through years of seperation we've made bonds with other people, & that tends to hold some issues. ex-girlfriends, babymomma/babydaddy drama, kids. all the baggage u sorta hope ur future husband/wife doesnt carry with them is sorta what makes us up.

& after years of drama with other people. -i'm done with it. so i tend to run when i catch a glimpse of it.
no hard feelings, but i'll leave him behind if need be. b/c if we're gonna do it. he'll have to understand a few things about me:

time has changed me.

relationships have altered the once flawless soul he fell in love with. i've been through it all. life has had its way with me. & although i'm grateful to be here, im still a shattered soul. & time has done that to me. & sadly, time is the only way to heal.

so i'm a bit bitter. & a hell of a lot angry. & i hate that about me. that i've become such a BITCH. but momma told me that i was one & that she was one too. & that when she dies i'll become the queen of bitches. & at 12 years of age, i had no idea what my momma was talking about. it took me years to figure her words out. & it wasn't until recently i realized what momma meant: [i'm such a bitch because life is one.] its so unfair. people come in & out of your life. & its the people that u want to stay the most that leave the fastest. & everytime they leave, they take a bit of my soul with them. & do u ever get that back? as of now im unsure.

all i know is that once upon a time, i fell in love with a boy who made boyish decisions that turned into boyish mistakes, which left me heartbroken. but that boy became a man, who looks me in my eyes & reminds me im beautiful. & when the world has made your soul as ugly as mine, you need to hear that every now & then.

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."

Shy G.

If It Takes A Village To Raise A Child...Then I Live On My Own Island...

ok...so one thing that i hate the most is when a person tries to tell me how to raise my son! let's backtrack for a moment & find keywords...ummm...MY SON!!! i understand that people will formulate their own opinions & some people have their own standards &/or morals on raising a child...
but me, personally...i could care less...& maybe i'm being shallow or stubborn...possibly...but the same opinion u're entitled to...so am i...
i updated my facebook status after some1 had the nerve to tell me that if i punish my son & then show him love...he will become 'soft'...ok...maybe if the individual would ahve said my son could possibly get confused...then i could have worked with that person...but for that idiot to say my son would be 'soft'...it set off all types of alarms in my head...
i wanted to scream...curse...hit...yet i decided to vent...through my writing...& here's what i formulated:

"let's get sumthing straight...b4 any1 else makes the mistake of giving UN-needed & UN-wanted advice...1st & foremost...i'm a damn good mother & how i raise MY son is no1's damn business...i go above & beyond for him...2nd off...just cuz i LOVE him & i show it by kissing him & hugging & holding him...& the fact tht i dnt wnt him jumping off of high things or playn around sharp or hard & harmful objects DOES NOT MEAN HE WILL BE SOFT...just cuz u all's mother might have not given a damn abt u does not mean she 'raised' u right...MY SON is all i have & who gives a fuck abt UR opinion on how i bring him up...if i wnt to 'over protect' him then so be it...it just means tht im cautious & he probably will be too...so fuck ur life if u have a problem w/ wht i just said...last time i checkd...i was the 1 who carried him in my womb for 38 weeks & 2 days...& yep...it was me who went through 17 hours of natural childbirth...**this is not to any 1 person...rather ppl who keep gettn me confused** {i can be sweet...but whn u cross tht line of commenting on CAMRYN DESHAWN...the bitch can & will lash out}"

i'm not looking for a "Mother of the Year" award...but i'm doing the best i can to raise a black boy into a black man...& it's always my darker people that have a fukn issue with it...get a life...& raise ur own kids...stop worrying about me & mine & maybe urs will come out & be abt something...
-Shy G.

Flawless....I Think Not!

I’m at work…thinking back on a few hours that have just passed me by…& I’m stuck…unfortunately…
Contemplating on if I should even take this leap…even put myself back into a doomed situation…because although it feels good now…later might prove otherwise…
So I formulated this question:

IS IT POSSIBLE TO MEET A PERFECT GENTLEMAN?

Being that I make bad relationship decisions…I stick with the answer….”I’m still waiting.”
& it’s that optimism about me that scares me…
Because I honestly don’t want to get involved in another relationship…but if I meet the “perfect” guy for me…what should I do? Do I let him pass me by?
I’m far from perfect…& I can honestly admit that…looking back on my past, failed relationships…I decided to form a list…of both my attributes & my flaws…& although my list of good qualities are more fulfilling than my bad…it always seems like the bad outweighs the good…& it has hindered the relationship
& this is by no means an admittance of the relationship going south…cuz in all actuality I feel this to be the exact opposite…

*i’m a lover…

*i’m a perfectionist…& tht could possibly be a gift & a curse…

*I’m very organized…

*I like a clean house…

*Im independent…yet I understand the value of a dollar…& by no means will I turn any guy down that is trying to do for me…thts y God made men…last time I checked…

*I can cook…not ur grandma’s thanksgiving dinner…but I can do a little sumthin sumthin…

*I honestly give the best massages…back…& hands…I will have a guy going crazy…

*I’m not dumb by a long shot…nor am I stupid or ignorant…I can comprehend very well…so when a nigga trying to subtract me out of his life & add the next bitch tht he’s already multiplied with…I understand fully tht we are now divided.

*I’m a well-rounded female…I honestly know how to take care of a man (key word:MAN)…physically, mentally, emotionally, & spiritually…

& now…THE FLAWS…

*i'm a bitch...pure, plain, & simple...
-love it or hate it...it is wht it is...i can be ur worst nightmare...

*i tend to fall too easily...& love too eff'n hard...
-thts unfortunate...esp. whn the other person does not reciprocate tht same emotion...actions speak louder than words...

*i'm a liar...
-do u need a definiton? seriously?

*i'm scarred from my past...
-i've been thru a lot...& i'm not afraid of where i'm going...i'm scared as shit of where i came from...

*i need attention...constantly...
-tht sux doesnt it?

*i can lock myself away for days...
-got this gothic type of thing going on...

*i'm bipolar...
-so i might need just a bit of medical help...cuz i can jump from loving u to hating u in .298 seconds

*i'm too needy & a nagger...therefore i complain too much...
-i want what i wnt whn i wnt it...pure, plain & simple...

*i ask to be treated like a queen..not a servant...
-females go for men like their father...he treated me like a princess...but i'm not a little girl anymore i need a man thts willing to treat me like the queen i've grown to be...

*u will never know all of me...
-ppl change constantly...so do i

*I have serious trust issues…
-doesn’t every1?

*i'm unstable...
-my future is on the tip of my tongue...i just cnt get it out...so i change it often...

i'm perfectly imperfect...& if i can find a man tht can love all of my flaws just as much as he loves all of my attributes...then i might be willing to give love a 5th chance & go for the platinum...lol...cuz a bish is growing out of tht 'broke nigga' stage...