i look to my left & my son is lying next to me sound asleep...there's a psychology book in front of me...to my right my English book is opened to a play by Sophocles (I haven't gotten passed the 1st page)...somewhere in between bathing Camryn, finishing my discussion session, & reading a Greek play I got side-tracked...thinking back heavily on 10 years ago...this day...my life...
but i can't remember...
& some of you might not care...or you might just ask,"what happened 10 years ago that you would want to remember?"
& i would answer..."nothing"...well probably nothing...my mother was probably making arrangements for my 12th birthday...making sure my father cleaned out the pool...had bought all the groceries...she probably made some excuse on why i couldn't go to the store with her this one time...in her efforts to buy me exactly what i wanted for my birthday which fell on July 4th...& although it was Independence Day...momma made sure that everyone understood that we would celebrate my birthday...no talks of Indepedence...just of her Cupcake...
so i'm mad that i can't remember that day...i can't remember my mother...how she acted...its so vague...
but i can imagine that neither one of us expected to not be together for my next birthday...not even for that Christmas in 1999...
it never crossed my mind that i wouldn't have another birthday celebration with my mother...nor would i even celebrate my birthday for 10 years after her passing...
who sits & thinks of the negative when nothing but positive is going on...how does a 12 year old's mind grasp the idea that birthdays don't really mean anything if there is no one special to celebrate it with...no one to remind you that you're one year older...one year wiser...one year closer to the day you shall die...
yet 10 years ago the closet i got to death was the furthest i wanted to be...only 12 years old and having to bury the one who held you so close to their heart that the moment their's stopped...so did yours...
10 years ago i was happy...searching for love was writing notes to boys who would never marry you in the long run...boys who would eventually turn into men who would put fist to your face...& you would let them because you forgot how beautiful you were...since momma died...because daddy died with her...so no man would ever love you the same...
At least that's how i thought...so birthdays became just days...and i found myself celebrating Independence...yet i was always dependent on the fact that Jesus once raised a man from the dead...so he would do that for me...& if i prayed hard enough...on july 4th i would get exactly what i wanted...my momma...& my daddy...& my sister...& my childhood...& all those mistakes that i never learned from would disappear...
but now i have almost 22 years worth of wisdom under my belt...& its silly to wish for her back...silly to wish for a perfect life...& i'm almost mad at my parents to have painted that fairytale life in front of me...but i remember that we all wrote this story...that we all played a major part in my life...
& i wonder how much i'm like my mother...i wonder how much i act like her...i wonder how many mistakes i've made like her...
but all i can remember is 10 birthdays ago...i was turning 12...& it would be the last one spent with her...the last one spent with my daddy...the last one i remembered...i didnt know of any college courses...wasnt thinking of being a mommy myself...never imagined that i would never be able to introduce my child to my parents...10 years ago...innocence was still pure...smiles were real...and the 4th of July was not Independence Day...but it was my birthday...
i'm starting to think that she is what made it so special...and 10 years ago i'm almost certain i was lying next to her...& the only psychology i knew was how to reverse it to get my own phone line...& daddy taught me how to speak correct English...but somewhere in between becoming a pre-teen & still finding excuses on why i wanted to sleep in my parent's bed...i got side-tracked...
& that's when they died
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