Snooping

“The worst thing about being hurt & trying to love again is falling in love & anticipating on being hurt again.” –Shy G.

And of course I’m left stuck. Here it is, 1 a.m. & I’m up. Because my heart refuses to let go, & I’m having difficulties with my trust issues. So I’m up snooping. Trying my best to find an excuse to be mad, cause I’m tired of asking myself over & over again, ‘LaShydra, why are you so upset?’ & not having a damn answer for my own thoughts. Yet, my woman intuition has never let me down before, only I have let me down, by not going with my gut. But I shouldn’t base new relationships off of past ones, but when you’ve been hurt like I’ve been hurt then your heart tells you that you have no choice. Because if you can’t learn from your past mistakes then what have you learned from your past? Only to repeat it if you’re not careful enough. & I’ve been careless time & time again.

So I’m left here. Not wanting to get hurt again. But am I possibly only hurting myself? Because I didn’t imagine love to be so non-communicative. So nonchalant. I didn’t know love didn’t come with titles. Nor did I expect love to bring exes along for the ride. I never expected love to still linger in the past, not presenting a clear future. Yet, this is the only definition of love that I have acquired.

I don’t understand how a person can look you in your eyes & promise forever, yet they are unsure of your tomorrow together. It baffles me that grown ass people still play Russian roulette with others’ feelings. Do they not know that a heart is not a toy? That it cannot be fixed again once broken? That the wounded must find a way to cope?

But what do I know? “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

-Shy G.

Today's Her Birthday...

i wrote this blog on 9/28/2006...been 3 years since that day...i wrote this for her...my mother...enjoy...

ok...so here's 2day...september 28th...my mother's birthday...this is the 7th one that's she's missed...she stop having birthdays after november 21st... i really didn't realize what 2day was until my sister called and reminded me...i'm kinda upset she did...
because i HATE days like these...days when i have 2 try and pull out memories of her...and each year it gets harder b/c it's harder to remember her...thank God for pictures...b/c they can not only tell 1000 words....they reveal 1000 memories...but i really can't remember...she seems so vague...so i'm sad...
because a few years from now i might not remember anything about her...i might forget her birthday for good...
i've learned how 2 pray...i guess...she would like that as a gift...i know she would...each year on her birthday since her death...i've still been trying 2 give her a gift...this year it's prayer...i'm way stronger than i was yesterday...she's made me that way...her death has...my father's has made me weaker...i miss her so much
i can't stop thinkin' about her now...i still remember some things...her smile...her hair....smell....i can't remember her kisses or hugs though...i sorta remember her voice...
i'm not crying...and i don't know why...i just can't cry...i can't force a tear out for Momma....but i can force a smile...i have her smile...that's why i'll never forget it...
people tell me to stay strong...people who still have their mother...people who of course can't empathize with me...i'm ok 2day...but 2morrow...i might break down...b/c 2morrow will remind me of today and 2morrow my memory might serve me a little better...and a certain memory of me and her will come to me so clear...and it'll feel just like yesterday...and i'll cry my heart out...b/c i know that i'll never see a yesterday again...and she'll never be in a 2morrow of mine...and as of 2day...i'll be heartbroken...
so i'll always miss her...and i'll always wish her a happy birthday...b/c she's still growing up in my heart...she's still living in me...i will always remember her character...b/c i act just like her...b/c i came from her...and we'll always be bonded...even through death...
damn...i miss that woman...some might say it's hard to love some1 that's not here...but i love her and more each day...as the memory fades my love grows...so one day i might forget her...but our love for each other will bring us back 2gether...some type of way...
we'll always be 2gether...
so...HaPPy BirthDay Momma...I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!

Judge Wisely...

You can never tell what someone has been through just by looking at them…so please people, judge wisely…

When you first saw me, did I look like I found my mother’s cold body when I was only 12? Do I really look like my father was murdered?

Do I come across as a bitch? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Does it look like I’ve been sexually assaulted? Had an abortion or a miscarriage?

Do I come across as a whore? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Does it look like I cry everynight? Do I look suicidal?

Do I come across as weak? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Does it really look like I’ve been in an abusive relationship? Can you tell just by looking at me that I can make up a lie to a doctor in less than one second?

Do I come across as a punching bag? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Does it look like I lied to the police for him? Could you tell by looking at me that I’ve been to jail?

Do I come across as a criminal? & if so, do I have a reason to?

Can u really look into someone’s eyes and know they’re life story? Would you even want to know? Could you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes? Better yet, run two in mine?

Do I come across as a survivor? & if so, do I have a reason to?

-Shy G.

The Day After Labor Day, She Goes Into Labor...

I’ve caught feelings before…too fast…too soon…this feeling is so déjà vu…I’m reliving the past…but its worst this time…’cause his ex-girlfriend is now in labor with ‘their’ first child…& how could I even be mad? i didn’t even go through with our first attempt…yet I had another man’s child…another man who never even loved me…another man who will never measure up to the man he is…

but I’m upset…I’m upset because she’s still in love with him…& no matter how much he re-assures me that there is nothing going on between the two them anymore…I know that she’ll always be apart of his life…& I’m the jealous type…so of course I assume that no matter what, she’ll throw ‘their’ child in his face…& in the long run, the only right thing to do is choose his family over me…because little does he know…females have a tendency to be devious…& if we want something we’ll do what we have to do to get what we want…so she’ll possibly stop at nothing…

at least that’s what I think…

& I know that he has some doubts…& if I want him to trust my decisions, then I must trust his…yet he’s hurt me plenty of times before…& unfortunately I lack the will to forgive & forget…so I hold on to a lot…& I know that’s not a good thing...i understand that my stubbornness is slowly killing me…but that’s something that I have to live with…& I want so bad to live with him…for the rest of my life…I want a family with him…I want too much…I need too much…& I don’t know how much he’s worth this fight…but I want to stick it out & at least find out…find out if he’s worth these tears…if he’s worth this heartache…because I’m pretty sure im in love with him…& im praying that his words arent in vain when he tells me he’s never stopped loving me…but of course, only time will tell…yet time is of the essence for me…

so I’ll give it a couple of weeks…& I’ll see if he runs back to her…or if he’s planted himself with me…I’m hoping for the latter…cuz if so, im willing to give up everything else that could possibly hold us back in any type of way…-sigh-…

when i got his text...this video clip came to my mind...

enjoy...




*UPDATE*
Jadon was welcomed into this world on 9/9/09 (what a cool bday?!?!) at 4:24pm weighing approx. 6lbs13oz., 20 inches long, head full of hair...lookn just like his daddy!
i'm happy for him! he got his son...now hopefully its nothing but smooth sailing from here on out...
-Shy G.

The 'Ex-Factor'

"if only i knew then what i know now..."

ok. ok. ok. so the 'ex-factor' & i have been spending quite some time together. & i'm really enjoying it.

i've known him now for approxiamately 8 yrs. & counting. we've always kept a good relationship...'cause we were friends first (which is a very important thing in any relationship). but life deals us a hand that we must play & we eventually parted ways. unfortunately.

he was basically my first 'love' (if u can even call it that)...we were young & dumb. mistakes were made. hearts were broken. wounds healed.

& here we are today. two adults now. we've watched each other grow. he was there for me through my darkest hour. & now i'm here to watch him experience his brightest moment. but through all we've been through, isn't it still a reason he's my ex? no matter how bright our future looks, wasnt there a dark point in our past? should our past even matter? should we even bother with the future?

there are plenty of concerns that i have. b/c through years of seperation we've made bonds with other people, & that tends to hold some issues. ex-girlfriends, babymomma/babydaddy drama, kids. all the baggage u sorta hope ur future husband/wife doesnt carry with them is sorta what makes us up.

& after years of drama with other people. -i'm done with it. so i tend to run when i catch a glimpse of it.
no hard feelings, but i'll leave him behind if need be. b/c if we're gonna do it. he'll have to understand a few things about me:

time has changed me.

relationships have altered the once flawless soul he fell in love with. i've been through it all. life has had its way with me. & although i'm grateful to be here, im still a shattered soul. & time has done that to me. & sadly, time is the only way to heal.

so i'm a bit bitter. & a hell of a lot angry. & i hate that about me. that i've become such a BITCH. but momma told me that i was one & that she was one too. & that when she dies i'll become the queen of bitches. & at 12 years of age, i had no idea what my momma was talking about. it took me years to figure her words out. & it wasn't until recently i realized what momma meant: [i'm such a bitch because life is one.] its so unfair. people come in & out of your life. & its the people that u want to stay the most that leave the fastest. & everytime they leave, they take a bit of my soul with them. & do u ever get that back? as of now im unsure.

all i know is that once upon a time, i fell in love with a boy who made boyish decisions that turned into boyish mistakes, which left me heartbroken. but that boy became a man, who looks me in my eyes & reminds me im beautiful. & when the world has made your soul as ugly as mine, you need to hear that every now & then.

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you'll find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding, but there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."

Shy G.

If It Takes A Village To Raise A Child...Then I Live On My Own Island...

ok...so one thing that i hate the most is when a person tries to tell me how to raise my son! let's backtrack for a moment & find keywords...ummm...MY SON!!! i understand that people will formulate their own opinions & some people have their own standards &/or morals on raising a child...
but me, personally...i could care less...& maybe i'm being shallow or stubborn...possibly...but the same opinion u're entitled to...so am i...
i updated my facebook status after some1 had the nerve to tell me that if i punish my son & then show him love...he will become 'soft'...ok...maybe if the individual would ahve said my son could possibly get confused...then i could have worked with that person...but for that idiot to say my son would be 'soft'...it set off all types of alarms in my head...
i wanted to scream...curse...hit...yet i decided to vent...through my writing...& here's what i formulated:

"let's get sumthing straight...b4 any1 else makes the mistake of giving UN-needed & UN-wanted advice...1st & foremost...i'm a damn good mother & how i raise MY son is no1's damn business...i go above & beyond for him...2nd off...just cuz i LOVE him & i show it by kissing him & hugging & holding him...& the fact tht i dnt wnt him jumping off of high things or playn around sharp or hard & harmful objects DOES NOT MEAN HE WILL BE SOFT...just cuz u all's mother might have not given a damn abt u does not mean she 'raised' u right...MY SON is all i have & who gives a fuck abt UR opinion on how i bring him up...if i wnt to 'over protect' him then so be it...it just means tht im cautious & he probably will be too...so fuck ur life if u have a problem w/ wht i just said...last time i checkd...i was the 1 who carried him in my womb for 38 weeks & 2 days...& yep...it was me who went through 17 hours of natural childbirth...**this is not to any 1 person...rather ppl who keep gettn me confused** {i can be sweet...but whn u cross tht line of commenting on CAMRYN DESHAWN...the bitch can & will lash out}"

i'm not looking for a "Mother of the Year" award...but i'm doing the best i can to raise a black boy into a black man...& it's always my darker people that have a fukn issue with it...get a life...& raise ur own kids...stop worrying about me & mine & maybe urs will come out & be abt something...
-Shy G.

Flawless....I Think Not!

I’m at work…thinking back on a few hours that have just passed me by…& I’m stuck…unfortunately…
Contemplating on if I should even take this leap…even put myself back into a doomed situation…because although it feels good now…later might prove otherwise…
So I formulated this question:

IS IT POSSIBLE TO MEET A PERFECT GENTLEMAN?

Being that I make bad relationship decisions…I stick with the answer….”I’m still waiting.”
& it’s that optimism about me that scares me…
Because I honestly don’t want to get involved in another relationship…but if I meet the “perfect” guy for me…what should I do? Do I let him pass me by?
I’m far from perfect…& I can honestly admit that…looking back on my past, failed relationships…I decided to form a list…of both my attributes & my flaws…& although my list of good qualities are more fulfilling than my bad…it always seems like the bad outweighs the good…& it has hindered the relationship
& this is by no means an admittance of the relationship going south…cuz in all actuality I feel this to be the exact opposite…

*i’m a lover…

*i’m a perfectionist…& tht could possibly be a gift & a curse…

*I’m very organized…

*I like a clean house…

*Im independent…yet I understand the value of a dollar…& by no means will I turn any guy down that is trying to do for me…thts y God made men…last time I checked…

*I can cook…not ur grandma’s thanksgiving dinner…but I can do a little sumthin sumthin…

*I honestly give the best massages…back…& hands…I will have a guy going crazy…

*I’m not dumb by a long shot…nor am I stupid or ignorant…I can comprehend very well…so when a nigga trying to subtract me out of his life & add the next bitch tht he’s already multiplied with…I understand fully tht we are now divided.

*I’m a well-rounded female…I honestly know how to take care of a man (key word:MAN)…physically, mentally, emotionally, & spiritually…

& now…THE FLAWS…

*i'm a bitch...pure, plain, & simple...
-love it or hate it...it is wht it is...i can be ur worst nightmare...

*i tend to fall too easily...& love too eff'n hard...
-thts unfortunate...esp. whn the other person does not reciprocate tht same emotion...actions speak louder than words...

*i'm a liar...
-do u need a definiton? seriously?

*i'm scarred from my past...
-i've been thru a lot...& i'm not afraid of where i'm going...i'm scared as shit of where i came from...

*i need attention...constantly...
-tht sux doesnt it?

*i can lock myself away for days...
-got this gothic type of thing going on...

*i'm bipolar...
-so i might need just a bit of medical help...cuz i can jump from loving u to hating u in .298 seconds

*i'm too needy & a nagger...therefore i complain too much...
-i want what i wnt whn i wnt it...pure, plain & simple...

*i ask to be treated like a queen..not a servant...
-females go for men like their father...he treated me like a princess...but i'm not a little girl anymore i need a man thts willing to treat me like the queen i've grown to be...

*u will never know all of me...
-ppl change constantly...so do i

*I have serious trust issues…
-doesn’t every1?

*i'm unstable...
-my future is on the tip of my tongue...i just cnt get it out...so i change it often...

i'm perfectly imperfect...& if i can find a man tht can love all of my flaws just as much as he loves all of my attributes...then i might be willing to give love a 5th chance & go for the platinum...lol...cuz a bish is growing out of tht 'broke nigga' stage...

My 22nd Birthday…’I Got Side-Tracked’

i look to my left & my son is lying next to me sound asleep...there's a psychology book in front of me...to my right my English book is opened to a play by Sophocles (I haven't gotten passed the 1st page)...somewhere in between bathing Camryn, finishing my discussion session, & reading a Greek play I got side-tracked...thinking back heavily on 10 years ago...this day...my life...
but i can't remember...
& some of you might not care...or you might just ask,"what happened 10 years ago that you would want to remember?"
& i would answer..."nothing"...well probably nothing...my mother was probably making arrangements for my 12th birthday...making sure my father cleaned out the pool...had bought all the groceries...she probably made some excuse on why i couldn't go to the store with her this one time...in her efforts to buy me exactly what i wanted for my birthday which fell on July 4th...& although it was Independence Day...momma made sure that everyone understood that we would celebrate my birthday...no talks of Indepedence...just of her Cupcake...
so i'm mad that i can't remember that day...i can't remember my mother...how she acted...its so vague...
but i can imagine that neither one of us expected to not be together for my next birthday...not even for that Christmas in 1999...
it never crossed my mind that i wouldn't have another birthday celebration with my mother...nor would i even celebrate my birthday for 10 years after her passing...
who sits & thinks of the negative when nothing but positive is going on...how does a 12 year old's mind grasp the idea that birthdays don't really mean anything if there is no one special to celebrate it with...no one to remind you that you're one year older...one year wiser...one year closer to the day you shall die...
yet 10 years ago the closet i got to death was the furthest i wanted to be...only 12 years old and having to bury the one who held you so close to their heart that the moment their's stopped...so did yours...
10 years ago i was happy...searching for love was writing notes to boys who would never marry you in the long run...boys who would eventually turn into men who would put fist to your face...& you would let them because you forgot how beautiful you were...since momma died...because daddy died with her...so no man would ever love you the same...
At least that's how i thought...so birthdays became just days...and i found myself celebrating Independence...yet i was always dependent on the fact that Jesus once raised a man from the dead...so he would do that for me...& if i prayed hard enough...on july 4th i would get exactly what i wanted...my momma...& my daddy...& my sister...& my childhood...& all those mistakes that i never learned from would disappear...
but now i have almost 22 years worth of wisdom under my belt...& its silly to wish for her back...silly to wish for a perfect life...& i'm almost mad at my parents to have painted that fairytale life in front of me...but i remember that we all wrote this story...that we all played a major part in my life...
& i wonder how much i'm like my mother...i wonder how much i act like her...i wonder how many mistakes i've made like her...
but all i can remember is 10 birthdays ago...i was turning 12...& it would be the last one spent with her...the last one spent with my daddy...the last one i remembered...i didnt know of any college courses...wasnt thinking of being a mommy myself...never imagined that i would never be able to introduce my child to my parents...10 years ago...innocence was still pure...smiles were real...and the 4th of July was not Independence Day...but it was my birthday...
i'm starting to think that she is what made it so special...and 10 years ago i'm almost certain i was lying next to her...& the only psychology i knew was how to reverse it to get my own phone line...& daddy taught me how to speak correct English...but somewhere in between becoming a pre-teen & still finding excuses on why i wanted to sleep in my parent's bed...i got side-tracked...
& that's when they died

Ugh...LOVE...

I find myself constantly fighting the urge to love... Anyone...at anytime...just random love...i hate being alone, yet the past few relationships I have been in, have been, well let's just say, not worth it...
i know that i don't need a man to make me feel secure & all that other crap...but coming home from a long day & just being loved is a good ass feeling...& i do feel that way...EVERY single day when i'm with my son...but the type of love we have is undeniable...& inevitable...so unconditional love between us will NEVER fail...yet i long for love from someone who doesn't share the same bloodline as mine...someone from the opposite sex that's willing to wholeheartedly go into this thing call love with me...
i want the feeling of jumping out of an airplane w/ no parachute...
that's that real love feeling...
but i've had this conversation with myself over & over again...& i'm content with being single for the rest of my life...although i'm young...i've had some experiences with this thing called love...& the bad outweighs the good...but the good feels so damn good...that i constantly yearn for more...even when at the beginning there's this big red DISCLAIMER: HEY, REMEMBER THAT LAST HEARTBREAK? YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN?
why do i continue to go back? but they say, 'it's better to have loved & haved lost, than to not have loved at all'
so we'll see what the future holds for me...
_so...shy_

Dirty Diapers!!!

Let me start off my saying 'Happy Memorial Day' ppl!!! Hopefully ppl really understand the meaning of this day...& are just not out there excited & partying & bbq'ing on this beautiful day off...{although i am extra excited that i'm off today}

Right now, just on babycenter.com researching on how to potty train...lol...
seems like my son is afraid of the potty...& since i work 11hr days then i don't really have the time to sit by a potty & get him comfortable...
but now is the time that i must make the time...because [i'm tired of changing dirty diapers...& buying diapers are EXPENSIVE!!!]

Other than my potty training journey...i'm going to be starting Summer classes on tomorrow...yay!? lol...i'm really not sure if i should be happy or scared...because i know how hard its about to be to be mommy, student, & teacher...all at the same time...

I'm also trying to get this blog in order....get traffic, so ppl can read it...feel it & vibe with it...
i'm actually trying to start a celebrity blog...looking for a mentor as of now...& doing some of my own research...

but let me get back to my potty training research...& doing my mommy thing on this wonderful holiday...

Ta-Ta ppl!!!

TIRED..once again...

Ran across this old blog...wanted to post it on here...cause the person i wrote this for is once again making me realize how tired i am of his ass!!!

April 21,2007: Tired

I'M TIRED...TIRED OF BULLSHIT ASS NIGGAS WHO AIN'T ABOUT SHIT...TIRED OF BEING PUT SECOND WHEN I KNOW THAT I DESERVE TO BE 1ST...I'M TIRED OF SETTLING...FOR LESS...TIRED OF BEING HIS MISTRESS...TIRED OF BEING LABELED AS WEAK...OF BEING PREDICTABLE...OF BEING HIS SCAPGOAT...TIRED OF BEING HIS DOWN ASS BITCH...TIRED OF THE BROKEN PROMISES...THE HEARTACHE...THE TEXT MESSAGES...HIM BEING SO SECRETIVE...ME NOT BEING HIS BESTFRIEND....TIRED OF HER BEING HIS BESTFRIEND...TIRED OF HAVING 2 DEAL WITH HER...TIRED OF THE LIES...ABOUT EVERYTHING...TIRED OF THE SECRET DATES...TIRED OF MYSPACE....OF NOT BEING ABLE TO BE IN THE #1 SPOT...TIRED OF HAVING TO WORK MY WAY UP...TIRED OF HAVING TO PROVE MYSELF TO HIM...TIRED OF HIS FISTS TO MY FACE...TIRED OF HAVING TO HIDE BRUISES...TIRED OF CRYING EVERYNIGHT...TIRED OF HIM NOT HAVING ANYMORE MONEY B/C HE SPENT IT ON SOME BITCH...TIRED OF HURTING...OF PAIN...OF LOVE...OF MISTAKES...OF REGRETS...OF TRUST...TIRED OF HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO ANSWER MY PHONE CALLS B/C HE'S SO BUSY...TIRED OF HIM ANSWERING THE PHONE AT 6AM...TIRED OF "THIS WEEKEND IT'S GONNA BE JUST ME & YOU" AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE HIM AND HIS BOYS...AND IN BETWEEN THAT BEING WITH SOME OTHER BITCH...TIRED OF MYSELF GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES WITH HIM...TIRED CUZ I CAN'T LET GO...TIRED CUZ I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH...OR MAYBE I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE TO SEE HIM WITH SOME1 ELSE...TIRED OF MY GUT INSTINCTS....TIRED OF A WOMAN'S INTUITION...TIRED OF PROOF THAT HE'S BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME...I'M JUST TIRED...
let me know if you've felt this way before...or is it just me?

iWrite

I'm a writer. Whether people believe it or not, that is my true passion. I write. It relieves so much stress. It can take me to new worlds. Experience new things. Writing is a fantasy.

So, somewhere in my Monday thru Friday, 11 hour shift as a pre-k 3/4 teacher; somewhere in between being a full-time college student; and somewhere between the exciting journey of being a Mother... I write.

I let my heart take control of my words & bleed through my pen & I write.
Whether it's just a short poem, maybe a quote... I write it out...
I write out my dreams & aspirations of who I will become...

So share with me your world...let me journey into your brain...see who you really are...as you learn so much about me...

Introduction

Hello world!!!

I'm LaShydra...& i'm here to stay!!!

I'm not really new to this whole blogging thing...just new to this site...
um...a little about me...& what to expect from me... I'm a 21 year old mother of a wonderful baby boy...I'm also a student @ CSU! Currently achieving my B.S. in Psychology w/ a focus in Pre-Med...while i minor in English w/an emphasis in writing...ok...enough about me!!!
what should you expect from my blog?

PURE RANDOMNESS!!! I feed off of your comments...
So buckle up...because this ride gets bumpy @ times..